Long Island is easily one of the most misunderstood of all islands, especially the longer ones. And whether or not they’ve actually been there, every New Yorker has feelings about it. Strong feelings. The rumors are abundant — everyone is on steroids, Bob Costas was born fully formed in a lab in Commack — and sometimes even true.
But the time has come for everyone to know the real deal. Laid out below are 25 things that will bring the soon-to-be-former home of the greatest NHL franchise of the early 1980s into significantly clearer focus.
1. You can buy beer anywhere that sells anything
Except, quite oddly, at liquor stores.
2. We didn’t all play lacrosse growing up
But we do all own lacrosse shorts.
3. Fire Island isn’t just full of naked people
It is full of Rocket Fuel, though.
5. Our pizza (especially slice joints) and bagels are consistently better and more plentiful than those in the city
Don’t even get us started on the pizza bagels!!!
6. And one fine example named Little Vincent’s puts cold cheese on top of the not-cold cheese
It’s very insane, and very perfect. Also there’re about three fights a night in that place.
7. We all love Billy Joel completely un-ironically
Even though he’s crashed his car into the front of most of our houses.
8. Half of the island had to go into therapy after having their area code changed from 516 to 631 in 1999
Many still consider 631 a grave mark of shame.
9. North Shore beaches basically suck; South Shore beaches are like real beaches, with sand and waves
And also guys walking up and down with a cooler, shouting, “Fudgie Wudgie bars!!!”.
10. All of those beaches are fantastic for drinking on, even though you’re not supposed to
Especially at night.
11. Speaking of drinking, you’re basically legally required to do it on the LIRR
And the beer tap setups at Penn are actually totally dope these days, as long as you consider getting a 64oz, 8% ABV beer for $8 “totally dope”.
12. Brooklyn and Queens are both ON LONG ISLAND
But in all the ways that matter, they totally aren’t.
13. Watson and Crick invented goddamn DNA at the Cold Spring Harbor Labs
14. “Stationery stores” don’t sell stationery; they sell candy and cap guns and mylar balloons and booby magazines in plastic bags
They have plenty of stationery, they just don’t sell any of it.
16. Buying rims that cost more than the entire rest of your car is a totally reasonable thing to do
As long as you save money for an exhaust.
17. Half and half is not something that goes in your coffee
Unless you like putting gigantic, delicious, foam-cupped Arnold Palmers in your coffee.
18. You can’t ever get lost, because if you do, you just keep driving until you hit water and then turn around
Just hope you get lost going North-South.
19. That pile of stuff on the ground in the parking lot is invariably the innards of a Dutch Masters cigar
Figure it out.
21. There’s a wine country, and it’s pretty legit
You’ll have to get someone to drive you from vineyard to vineyard, but to get there, take the train and drink on the way to warm up.
22. Nothing else in the world is like a Long Island deli, a magical place where you can name literally anything you’d like to see on a sandwich, and it’s understood that they will have it
When you can get chicken cutlet with American cheese, bacon, and Russian dressing on a hero, it doesn’t really matter that their interiors haven’t been updated since the ’60s.
23. Buttered rolls
Are basically a delicacy.
24. If you drive more than a mile in any direction and you haven’t passed a 7-Eleven, you are no longer on Long Island
Doritos for everyone!
25. Jersey is much, much worse
Actually, everyone already did know that one.